Not that Big D. Pervert.
Of course I’m talking about Divorce. Let’s start with something a lot of people are going to find controversial: Divorce is always an option.
Again: Divorce is always an option.
One more time, for the people in the back: Divorce is always an option.
I could really end this post right here and feel good for performing a public service.
To understand divorce, it’s important to understand marriage. That bwessed awwangement. That dweam wiffin a dweam.
Wuv, twue wuv, will fowwow you fowevah…so twezhah your wuv.
I mean, that’s what we think marriage is going to be, right? All unicorns and rainbows and joy and sex and breakfast in bed and synergy. At least for those who marry for love. Forced and arranged and business and child marriages, not so much. But this is post is about divorce; let’s not make it depressing.
We forget something very, very important when we choose to get married: people change. Because, of course we change; it’s fundamental to the human condition. In fact, I’m going to argue that not only are we capable of change, we are supposed to change. We are designed to upgrade our cognitive software as we live and experience. Otherwise there would be no self-help industry, no inherent desire to learn or to explore or to adventure; we are, most of us, driven to better ourselves.
Two people who get married at 25 are going to be at least a little different by the time they’re 30, more so by 35, and potentially unrecognizable by 40. That’s not a bad thing. Our adaptive programming is making us better people, or at least different people, as we learn from our experiences and adapt to changing stimuli in our environments. At our core we are organisms with a need to survive, and survival requires adaptation.
Let me toss a hypothetical at you: A couple gets married. They are in love. Like, twue wuv. Super happy, you’re the best, I’m the best, we’re both awesome, and we’re awesomer together kind of twue wuv. Basking in the warm glow of a successful union, furnishing off an apartment with a two-room Roebuck sale. Then, tragedy: one of them gets hit by a milk truck. It’s just terrible. Milk everywhere, he’s in a coma, people are wondering, “who the hell gets milk delivered anymore”. Happens every day.
So after a couple months in a coma…a miracle; he awakes! Hot Damn! Physically, he’s perfectly healthy for spending two months lying in bed. But, oh no…is mind is altered. He barely remembers his loving partner with whom he built a life. They talk. He tries to remember the feelings he had for this person, for his love, but they just aren’t there.
Bad high school poetry notwithstanding, it’s well understood that emotions are a function of the brain, not the heart. You know the heart is just a muscle that pumps blood, right? Don’t be stupid. Our personalities, our behavior, our memories, everything really…all driven by our brain. So when the gray matter suffers trauma sometimes that wiring gets, well, rewired. It doesn’t make our coma patient a bad person, it makes him human. But now we have a conundrum: do we tell him he must stay married to this person he doesn’t know, who he barely remembers, for whom he has no romantic feelings? Of course not, don’t be ridiculous (if you didn’t read that in Balki’s voice, this may not be the blog for you).
Granted, most change is more gradual…but it still happens to all of us. We all change, it’s an inevitable part of being alive. And sometimes we change in a way that is simply not compatible with our partner and the way they have changed. I think we can all agree on that: people change, and sometime couples change in ways that are not compatible.
Before we continue, this is a good spot for a caveat: there are PLENTY of couples who are great together for years, decades even, and for whom divorce isn’t necessary. And I am absolutely not disparaging mawage; for many, many people it really is a bwessed awwangement, at least for a while. I mean, I’ve done it twice…and maybe I’ll do it again someday
But marriage is tricky business, and relationships fail for so many different reasons. Sometimes it’s a lot of little things, or sometimes it’s one or two big things that you just can’t reconcile within your relationship. Drug and alcohol abuse, gambling addiction, different sexual needs, changing religious preferences, changing gender or sexual identities, different sportsball team allegiances, different movie preferences (I once broke up with a woman because she thought The Godfather was “Okay, I guess.”) Sometimes they are salvageable, and sometimes they aren’t. Over and over and over, couples stay together even when the relationship has passed the point of being healthy or even civil. One refrain that resonates with me on a very personal level is when unhappy couples stay together “for the kids”. If you are fighting all the time and talking about “staying together for the kids,” don’t. Just…don’t.
I grew up in a household with parents who changed in very incompatible ways. When they got married, they were both flower-child hippies. My dad wore so much denim you’d think he was Canadian. My mom was your basic folk song, with flowers in the hair and flowing linen. Then my dad decided he was going to be a biker; my mom was decidedly not. They were increasingly unhappy, which naturally became increasingly confusing and difficult for two young boys.
One day I got myself in trouble for some stupid thing, and my mom punished me by telling me I would be going to straight to bed right after dinner. Well, it so happened my dad brought home a movie for all of us to watch, which he told me about before he knew of my Crime and Punishment. Fast forward to after dinner: mom told me to go to bed, I told her, “No! Dad said I could watch a movie.” I can still vividly remember that my 7-year old brain knew these people clearly did not want to be married to each other, hence I should be able to pit them against one another and not only avoid mom’s punishment but also watch dad’s movie. What I failed to consider was that these two obvious enemies would stand united as parents; my backtalk earned me an additional early bedtime the next night. Also, I never saw the movie .
I learned something that day: bad partners can still be good parents. A couple of years later they announced that they were splitting up, and a huge weight lifted from my young shoulders. I hated, hated(!), living in that home with parents who didn’t want to be together. Their marriage had turned into a not-so-cold war, and divorce was the armistice we all needed. It was peace. For them, and for us kids, divorce was the right option.
Marriages that are rife with anger, abuse, indifference, apathy, hostility, regret, incompatible lifestyles, divergent goals, resentment, depression, etc… are always difficult and often impossible. Counseling can help couples communicate, for sure; sometimes it helps them communicate why they shouldn’t be married anymore.
Divorce is always an option, but divorce is never easy or fun. My divorce has been extraordinarily amicable and as friendly as you could hope for. I chalk it up to a few reasons: we don’t hate each other, we are both generally good people, and we aren’t getting divorced because of a hostile environment. We just wanted different things out of life, we realized we weren’t on the same path anymore, and we determined we’d ultimately be happier living separate lives. That’s all. To her credit, my former spouse is a very good person with a huge heart who has dedicated her life to helping other people. After things settle, I sincerely hope we remain at least friendly, if not friends.
After staying together “for the kids” (again, kids would rather have two peaceful and loving homes than a single warzone), the second most common reason people seem to stay in an unhappy marriage is, “we made a promise.” Ok. Yes, it’s important to honor your promises. But at what cost? If you promise to meet me at the bowling alley at 6:30 and your house catches on fire at 6:10, I guess you better let the mother burn, damn it…you made a promise!
I suspect the “we made a promise” excuse is a cover for, or at least closely related to, another very common rationalization: it’s just easier to stay married, even if you aren’t happy. You know what? That’s very true, but only in the short term.
The fact is, it’s exponentially harder to get divorced than it is to get married. For a $25 filing fee and an unemployed friend ordained by the Internet Church of Bea Arthur you can enter into a lifelong legal contract with another person! Getting divorced, though…that costs and costs and costs, there’s a ton of filing, a six-month processing period, potential litigation… I understand wanting to avoid that unpleasantness. But the long term cost of staying in an unhappy marriage when you only get one life to live is astronomically higher than the short term costs of getting divorced.
Finally, underlying all the other divorce considerations is this: Divorce Stigma. It is a f*&^ing epidemic. People stay not just in unhappy marriages, but often trap themselves in abusive marriages because of Divorce Stigma. Husbands and wives have literally killed each other to avoid divorce. Even those who separate amicably and on friendly terms face sideways glances, whispers, ridicule, judgement, and shunning by family and friends, church officials and congregations. Already facing a change fully wrought with emotional, logistical, and financial difficulty, divorcing couples find themselves pariahs, cast out by those whose support they need the most.
Listen, this is important: if you are divorced, divorcing, or considering divorce…Divorce does NOT make you a bad person. I mean, you might very well be a bad person, but it’s not because of divorce. I’m divorced. Twice. I’m a good person. My former spouses are good people. But Divorce Stigma runs very deep in some circles (you know who you are)…if you are being stigmatized by family or friends or church groups, feel free to cut those people out of your life without remorse. Your happiness is more important than their self-righteousness. Divorce does NOT make you a bad person.
So we are agreed, yes? Divorce is always an option and Divorce does NOT make you a bad person.
Of course divorce will change your life. But without waxing philosophical too much, I want to say that change isn’t always inherently good or bad; sometimes it’s just change. Personally, I enjoy change. 20 years in the military conditions you to embrace the challenges and chaos of unplanned changes, eagerly adapting to and overcoming those unexpected obstacles. Change presents an opportunity for adventure, for personal growth, and for new experiences. In the few months since my separation I rediscovered my love of reading and writing, spent 10 days exploring Maui on a solo vacation, and I finally achieved a lifelong dream of getting SCUBA certified. I also cut up hot dogs in some Kraft macaroni and cheese, something I haven’t had for nearly 30 years. It was nostalgic and awful.
Of course there are downsides to divorce, but we all know what those are and I don’t want to end this on a super downer. Instead, I’ll reiterate: Divorce is always an option and divorce does NOT make you a bad person.
And one final public service message: STOP DIVORCE SHAMING. Don’t be Michael Scott.
