The worst thing about turning 40 is the crushing realization that your life is half over and there’s no chance you’re ever going to be an astronaut. I’m 41 and one of my fondest memories is still camping out in my backyard when I was 8 years old, looking up at the moon and the stars and wishing I could be there.
The most natural thing about any birthday is looking back and taking stock of who and where you are. But 40 is special. That’s when you realize that the dreams you had at 10 and 20 and 30 and 36 and 38 and even 39 are never going to come true.
And so of course, we begin to doubt. Because we doubt ourselves most when we are at our weakest, and we are at our weakest when succumb to doubt. It’s vicious. During those times it’s incredibly easy to compare yourself to the world around you; you see someone else’s beautiful wife, beautiful house, or large automobile and your head starts singing (talking, even) “how did I get here?”
Inevitably, when weakness and doubt are building, every time you look around you’ll see a couple appearing all super happy, or you’ll see a guy sipping his coffee and smiling about something he just read on his phone; a text maybe, or a funny meme about dogs being awesome and you assume he has life all figured out.
So the doubt grows. You feel uneasy, maybe unsettled. You ponder your past, your future, your purpose, your contributions, and finally you realize: you aren’t happy. Which isn’t nearly as shocking as the follow-up realization that it’s mostly your fault.
I know…not everyone experiences that. There are probably a handful of abnormal people whose lives turned out exactly as they planned. If you’re one of those weirdos, congratulations; but this blog isn’t for you. Go buy an island and be perfect and live your stupid, achievement-filled life. Freak.
For the rest of you: Hi, and welcome to midlife. It’s going to be great and awful and annoying and hectic and peaceful and fulfilling and depressing. It’s going to be everything you’ve ever seen in one of those insufferable “over the hill” cards that you got, most likely from a boorish aunt who thinks that kind of humor is funny. Or worse, thinks it’s clever.
Midlife is a struggle. But it’s also a gift. I mean, it’s going to suck for sure. But it can also bring you joy, if you let it.
I firmly believe two things to be true: everyone enjoys a bit of schadenfreude, and things that suck usually suck less when you go through it with someone else. So shit’s gonna get real. I’m going to give you the gift of my own midlife struggles…and there’s a LOT: career disappointments, divorces, cancers, deaths, regrets, poor decisions, and a lot of uncertainty…but there’s also a lot of self-realization, joy, accomplishment, a few fulfilling relationships, and even success (life hack: if you re-define success to include things you’ve already done, you’ll immediately become successful).
So my hope is that we can travel this muddy cartpath together, secure in the knowledge that we are not the only ones in the middle of a swirling vortex of poop called midlife. We can all survive, and maybe even come out the other side better humans than we are now. Or at least not worse. That’s a good barometer to start with: let’s not become worse.
Welcome to Midlife Survival.
